Crystal and Stella just left. Packed for a slumber party at Mom's.
Not a word, nothing.
Humility is not something Crystal understands.
So...its on.
Unencumbered by either one being here.
Free to let my depression run wild.
I have 700.00 and change, two vehicles full of gas.
I wish I had a gun.

I found new hope after posting but then, like most things, it went away rather quickly.
It is now October 4th.
My little boat is sitting under tarps in the back yard after being refitted and made seaworthy.
I opened up to Crystal about my depression and my thoughts of suicide, of being tired, in physical pain.
She did nothing, no questions, no support, no discussion.
We then had a talk about intimacy and sex for the 44th time in 9 years.
Because once again, its been almost four months since we made love or enjoyed the pillow talk of shared intimacy.
"Too tired at night, mornings are better".
Except she leaves for Zumba/work at 0730 so...kind of a wash there. I get it, she doesn't see me that way and hasn't for years. Frigid and emotionally distant.
But this isn't about her issues.
Except last night...she once again went out to have a drink for "two hours", came home 4 hours later, drunk. Again.
It will kill her before she is 50.
No matter.

So today, I am lost again. I don't know what to do.
Half of me says I have enough money to enjoy a roadtrip south to the warmth of Mexico.
The other half really wants to save what I have. Leaving would end any possibility of saving this life.

I could get Lina off the Suhail, put enough work and money into the boat to sail it southward till I ran out of money or died at sea.. With a hope or a daydream or some action. But that seems like a waste of time and offers nothing immediate. I need solutions today, not in two months.
I need to get through today. I can't even think of Stella at this time because she wouldn't understand what I am going through. I would hate to hurt her by dying, especially so close to home. I could not bring myself to have reminders left every where around here. Losing your dad is bad enough without seeing his touch all over this town, these beaches.
Anyway, I don't even want to type this.
Kathy just texted me. I wonder if Crystal called her or something. The text says she knows something is going on.
Yes Kathy, I am dying, slowly.
And I am in a good frame of mind about that. Like, its becoming ok to give up.
My body hurts so, everything aches so badly, even with the medications. Every joint, every muscle, aching constantly. I do get a brief respite in the morning, an empty belly/hot coffee/Vicodin...and for an hour, I feel great.

Ok, I am going to wander around outside for a bit.
Looking for anything to take my mind off of these things.
I would look forward to a conversation with Crystal about our big fight last night but she never talks about these things.
Its a Swanson thing, turn away and it doesn't exist. One thing is for certain...We killed whatever respect we had for each other.
Never argue with a drunk person.

So...at 52, with every thing seemingly going to the Seven Hell's and me wanting to just get it over with (life)...I have decided to combine my life long love of the Ocean with my coming death.
Easy enough to imagine actually pulling this off-sailing a 15.5 foot sailboat from Coos Bay to Mexico...I am that man...but it makes just as much sense to understand I will probably be lost at sea trying.
And I am ok with that.

Today, I start using what little money I have to outfit the little boat that will either give me one last adventure or lead me to my being lost at sea.


Today, I will christen the little boat "This Time".


Much more later.